EPISODE SUMMARY
My guest today is an on-air host at VoiceAmerica.com with her show, Dropping In which has become one of the most listened to podcasts in the personal growth space of identity and discovery of who we are.

She’s the author of the 2019 award winning memoir, Fixing the Fates. She’s contributed articles about living as an adoptee and questioning identity in over twenty on-line journals.

She holds a BA from Villanova University, a certificate from The Art Institute of Philadelphia, and an MS in Mental Health Counseling from Capella University. Also, she coaches other writers as a book doctor. She splits her time between Florida and Switzerland. Welcome to Authors Over 50, Diane Dewey.

EPISODE NOTES
My guest today is an on-air host at VoiceAmerica.com with her show, Dropping In which has become one of the most listened to podcasts in the personal growth space of Identity and discovery of who we are.

She’s the author of the 2019 award winning memoir, Fixing the Fates. She’s contributed articles about living as an adoptee and questioning identity in over twenty on-line journals.

She holds a BA from Villanova University, a certificate from The Art Institute of Philadelphia, and an MS in Mental Health Counseling from Capella University. Also, she coaches other writers as a book doctor. She splits her time between Florida and Switzerland. Welcome to Authors Over 50, Diane Dewey.

TRANSCRIPT

Julia 0:06

Authors over 50– writing in life’s sweetest third. Authors over 50’s weekly podcast celebrates writers and their journeys to publication. Writing after 50 is a whole story on its own. So let’s skip to life’s sweetest third and talk with authors about their journey from pen to publish. Welcome, I’m Julia Daily, your host, and I invite you to listen to interviews with writers who’ve achieved their goal of publishing a book, just later in life. We’ve seen award lists for under 30 or under 40. But I’ve yet to see lists for those who’ve achieved a significant milestone of their own, launching a new career and publishing their first book after the age of 50. We will hear about these authors’ inspirations, struggles, strategies, and the smell of that first book. These writers journeys inspire me because I’m one of them.

My guest today is an on-air host at Voice America.com with her show Dropping In, which has become one of the most listened to podcasts in the personal growth space of identity and discovery of who we are. She’s the author of the 2019 award winning memoir, Fixing the Fates. She’s contributed articles about living as an adoptee and questioning identity in over 20 online journals. She holds a BA from Villanova University, a certificate from the Art Institute of Philadelphia, and an MS in mental health counseling from Capella University. Also, she coaches other writers as a book doctor. She splits her time between Florida and Switzerland. What could be better than that? Welcome to Authors over 50. Diane Dewey.

Diane 2:07

Thank you so much, Julia. Lovely to be here.

Julia 2:10

Well, Diane, the first question we always ask on Authors Over 50 is what took you so long to write your first book?

Diane 2:19

So there’s a head scratcher. I mean, sometimes I think we also wonder why it took us so long. I say that, in that my story, I had to wait for the ending of my story to occur. I knew all along that I was adopted. And I knew nothing about my biological family. You know, I felt like I had a story. But it’s kind of like when people think I drove across the country in a station wagon with my best friend. And I want to write about it. And then you realize, Wait, that’s actually not a story, because there’s not a real arc. And not a real closure, barring Thelma and Louise, you know, so I waited until something happened. And that took a long time. In 2002, when I was 47 years old, I was contacted out of the blue by my biological father. And that’s what tripped the switch, then I had some sense of going full circle. And then I thought I could write about it, you know, some processing as well. And as you know, from writing your own story, you could write it again, at different points along the way, and you would be just that much more processed. So I pulled that point out of the air. I published in 2019. So yeah, it took me that next decade to actually process what was going on with me and to realize that maybe I actually did have a story.

Julia 4:07

Finally, you really do and I want you to tell us more about Fixing the Fates, because it’s called one part forensic investigation, one part self discovery.

Diane 4:20

Well, you know, I would say for a long time, the forensic part was just trying to find out information right, trying to connect the dots and once this biological father came out of the woodwork, I mean, literally out of nowhere, I got a letter. Six months after my beloved adoptive father passed away, I got my letter from Otto. So that was also something where I thought fate like the word fate started coming into my head. I was not fated to be without a father. And so but the first thing, almost I mean, you don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth and say, okay, all well and good that you’re here, Otto, but what I really want to know about is my biological mother. But of course, that was the truth. I felt that, you know, here was a person that could, you know, I could follow the trail of breadcrumbs back to my biological mother. And that search meant the world for me. The self discovery part, you know, anytime you’re faced with a situation where you have to make judgments, or, you know, judgment has a terrible connotation now, but I’m sorry, you are making judgments all the time, you have to assess the character of this person who’s entered your life, you have to decide, you know, is he for me? Is he a friend or foe? Or, you know, you don’t really know. And I heard Maggie Gyllenhaal speak recently, she just wrote this. She just directed this film, The Last Daughter. And you know, she talks about how there’s such a limited range of what women are supposed to think and feel. You’re not really supposed to be asking these questions of like, are you my friend? Can I trust you? You’re just supposed to be acquiescing and kind of accepting this person? Well, Julia, I really, I couldn’t quite digest all of that. And I started to feel some dissonance, some cognitive dissonance with some of the, let’s say, storylines and narratives that he was putting out as to what happened with he and my biological mother. So there was self discovery on my part, hey, I’m not exactly a doormat, I’m not that person that just says, Wow, great. Thank you so much. You know, I think I’ve always equated gratitude and love and those two things started to come apart there. And so I learned a great deal about myself.

Julia 7:20

Well, you and I are both adoptees, but I chose to write my story, No Names to Be Given as fiction, while you chose to write your book as memoir. How is this the correct choice for you?

Diane 7:36

Yeah, I feel as though at that moment, when I was making these choices, truth, the truth that I had attained, became such an operative word, it was almost like a verb to truth. I mean, I felt that with all the disinformation in my life for all these decades, you know, your parents are dead. Your biological family is gone? I mean, could they have gone? I mean, not feasible. But of course, as a kid, or as an adolescent, when I heard these, complete outright lies. You know, from my parents I was, you know, why would they ever say anything that wasn’t true, you know, so your brain is starting to like, shatter into all these pieces. Because your whole concept of trust, and trust in love, that equation is also, you know, dissolving. So when it came time to write, it was extremely important to me at that moment, to have this immediacy of the truth that I had gained. And it may not be the truth, certainly when I talk to other parties, in the circle, their truth is very different. But I was very fixated on the fact that Aha, I finally had the truth. And I didn’t even want to let go of it a tiny, tiny little bit to create a fictional work. Do I think that fiction accommodates more? Yes, I do. And I think that some of the discoveries that you can make writing fiction are that much more liberating. You know, I was so determined to cleve closely to what was happening that you know, I may have missed something by some of the flights of fancy that I could have taken had I created fictional characters, but you know, there we have it. It’s a snapshot in time.

Julia 9:45

How did your families feel about your exposing these long kept secrets?

Diane 9:50

Well, one of the confusing features is that I changed all of the names to protect the guilty. So you know that some haven’t had any fallout from this at all, as most people are unaware that who that is. But I must say, my adoptive mother. Let’s not say she was a control freak. But she did feel as though I should sit with her and edit line by line the entire book. So, you know, like there was some pushback for sure. I think she felt, I think the concept of it’s my story to tell, especially after these years of being told something else. I think that eluded her. I think that escaped her periphery. I think, once you’re accustomed to dominating the narrative, you don’t relinquish that. Just like, you know, sometimes parents will say, My child is always my child, I think she felt, I am always her child. You know, there’s a proverb that I quote in the beginning of the book, it’s one of an epitaph that I kind of go back to again and again, and it’s until the lion learns to write every story will glorify the hunter. And I think, you know, she was a good woman, she was a good mother. I think she was looking for that recognition. I think, the concept of me writing a story out of my own voice, I don’t think she really thought I had the right.

Julia 11:44

You know, your story sounds like a movie, it’s so intriguing. I think with the international flavor of it as well. Will you read a section from the book so we can hear the voice?

Diane 11:58

I’d be glad to. I’m going to pick this up where I’ve gone to Vermont. I was living in New York City. And thank you very much for your words about the film, the cinema graphic element of it, I sometimes see it that way myself, you know, like as though it were real– was this my life? But in any case, one of the things I think that was particularly irritating to my mom was that I had gotten a copy of my birth certificate– was actually well ahead of when Otto contacted me and that occurred because my adoptive family was also German, I came from a German orphanage, and that my adoptive family was a family member who ran the orphanage, if you can imagine this coincidence, all in the same town as where, you know, my biological mother surrendered me and where I was born. But so one of those cousins from my adoptive family came to New York at one point and said to me, Hey, don’t you get curious about you know, your roots, because I could obtain a copy of your birth certificate. Well, you know, my eyes are popping out of my head. This was when I was in my mid 30s. So well, a decade before Otto’s letter. So it was basically, when this cousin sourced this copy of my birth certificate. It was like all I had right I seized on to this piece of paper. And this passage occurs when I’ve just gotten it I’ve driven in a sort of snow storm because in Vermont, what else are you going to be having? You know, in the winter, so I’ve driven to the post office to go get this, the certified letter that’s come from my cousin. And I’ll just try to, I’m trying to think of where to even pick this up. I could even just hop around my biological mother, and yet also experience extreme guilt at this pleasure. There was an aura like a placecard at a table of someone you’re about to meet. And then there was Helena her birthday June 5 1935. And no date of death. Thank you, Cosmos. It was the tiny seed of possibility. Tears trickled into my ears, a reminder that I was still alive in this new reality. But then fear set in now that I’d seen my birth certificate would its clues yield more, or with this be the last. Having my birth certificate was confirmation of belonging to someone whose presence I’d felt but didn’t know. The world was suddenly with me. I wanted to shout back to the squawking blackbirds. Hey, you’re not the only ones with a flock. I turned around to look at the inscription on the bench where I was sitting. Laurie and William 50 years, good for them. I thought I’d spent many a day begrudging others who found love. Now, it was suddenly right to feel generous. There was a symmetry to this world, Helena and Petra, Marian Bachmeier mother and daughter, we were bound together on this page. I realized then, that perhaps I have not fled New York City. So much has come to Vermont for this moment to sit with my birth certificate, a kind of verification that I’d existed before. Since I had no other reason to be here in Stowe, other than a minimally thought up plan to get away. Maybe other reasons would unfold to

Diane 16:18

and for me, Helena has name was more than just learning a fact. I had begun to sense her, to hear her, to fathom impressions of her, many of these I’d accumulated during my years of speculating. But now as I sat by the river, seeing her name in print, triggered a kind of cellular memory, inexplicable images formed when with her handwritten signature, I came closer to my biological mother than ever before, at least in memory. Sensory images seeped in softly and sat like a presence within me. I wanted to remain in that place. But I had to go back. I was due at the gallery where I worked, which was housed in an old wooden farmhouse on Main Street, just past the bakery, where a muffin also called throughout that afternoon, I sat at my desk amid the regional landscape paintings and sporting scenes wearing the same corduroy pants stuffed into boots with an oversized sweater that I had had on since the morning. It was high season, so the skiers would still be out on the slopes getting in their last runs, and there was a luxury in the solitude. I watched as the fine snow sifted through the cracks of the old window panes, and came to rest on the sills. I didn’t feel alone at all.

Julia 17:43

That’s so beautiful. It is such a powerful time I think in adoptees lives. I never tire of hearing the discovery of each of our origin stories. I just think it’s so powerful.

Diane 18:01

And thank you, that’s the work that you do. I think bringing those stories to light is they never lose their potency.

Julia 18:10

Well, tell us a little bit about your path to publishing. Did you take a traditional path? Or did you choose something different?

Diane 18:24

I feel as though you know, I hold traditional paths as the ideal as like a star that’s shining out there. But I can tell you Julia that somehow I’m on some kind of other northstar that is just never traditional. So of course, my path was completely serendipitous, I should say, I took a course. At the behest at the suggestion of my agent. This is a woman that knew I wanted to write this book. It was not yet a manuscript she said take the course that Brooke Warner and Linda Joy Meyers teach called Write Your Memoir in six months, I thought okay. Okay. So it sounded like a physical impossibility. And in fact, I took the course twice. But after I took it the second time and felt like I might have had, I might have something here. Brooke Warner, who is also the publisher of She Writes Press acted as my editor so she does developmental editing. She was an editor with Seal Press Sealpoint Press for a long, long time before she formed She Writes Press. So Brooke, and I then undertake this mammoth editing process of of my book which as you know, when you’re going back and forth and time is complex, right? You have flashbacks, you have read flexion you’re trying to make sense of it all. Brooke helped me, you know, really string that together as some kind of a necklace. And at the end of it literally on the last day, though, we were working together on the last page of the book, we finished the last words, the last sentence. And she said to me, I’d like to publish this. And I said, Yes. I totally thought I should call someone, there’s somebody I should ask, you know, I should shop around. And then I thought to myself, No, I believe in what she does with She Writes Press, you know, this group of female voices, that she furthers, you know, she believed in me. And I really feel that that energy, when it’s there in this supportive way, you can’t recreate that. And I just decided to go with it. And that’s what I did. So She Writes is a hybrid publisher, I brought my agent into the fold. We all joined forces, and I think it was, you know, it takes some, it takes a village, and it takes a long while for it to actually, you know, come from germination to out in the world. But then there we were, I think it was three years to the time I started writing or stopped writing anyway, it was a while. But I also feel maybe if I could just interject this sometimes as an adoptee, you know, you wander so much. And you don’t want to be that person that’s like knocking on doors, you know, Are you my mother or, you know, you’re just, you don’t want to be in this vulnerable position. And here I was with this manuscript that basically, you know, was so self indulged. And so soul bearing, and for Brooke to step up and say, I’ll alleviate that, you know, I really, I was so thankful, and so appreciative, and she was the right publisher for me. In any case, it’s been a great experience. And I’ve interviewed many She Writes Press authors in the sisterhood for my podcast. So it’s just been a very positive experience.

Julia 22:26

What a testament to your story and to your writing that she would just immediately want to publish your work, you know, usually there’s a long process to getting your manuscript picked up by a publisher. So that was wonderful for her to see your story and see how powerful it really is.

Diane 22:48

I was grateful. But as you know, as Ernest Hemingway sounds pretentious, to quote someone like this, at this point, I’m just like this first time, author, but you know, you just had to bleed out on the page, it’s the writing is easy. You just have to bleed out on the page. And I feel like okay, I did that. And Brooke really was the person who helped me open so many doors, emotionally, you know, asking me to go places that I hadn’t gone. So as you well know, it’s psychological therapy, as well, to have an editor, you know, talk you through the meaning of what you’ve written, you know, what you’ve written, but you know, what is it really mean? What are you saying here? What are your fears? You know, go down those roads that you don’t want to go down? She made it a better book, for sure.

Julia 23:40

Well, this book was so personal to you. Do you have a second book in you?

Diane 23:45

Oh, absolutely. And it’s just starting to wiggle its way out. I’m seeing little toes and fingers. Yes. And I’m very excited. Do you know how tentative you feel like can this be real?I’ve started, I shared it with Eckerd Writers Conference. I’m extremely lucky to live very close by to Eckerd College and they have a wonderful Writers in Paradise Program each year and the memoir instructor Andre Taboos comes, Laura Lippman comes, I mean it’s a stellar cast. Major Jackson, the poet and Anna Menendez short story so I took my short story to her class this past January, which was by Zoom and they liked it. Like oh my goodness, now I have a responsibility. Now I have to finish this. So you know what that’s like?

Julia 24:55

I know how busy you are. I listened to your show Dropping In and it’s brilliant. Especially the writing series about the craft. What is your writing routine? How do you keep your all your plates spinning at the same time?

Diane 25:13

Um, inertia, apparently, once you get them going, they tend to keep going unless you just drop one, you know? I’m not being really I appreciate your question. I’m really humbled by the fact that, you know, I do have the opportunities that I do. But you know, I am going to have to streamline in order for this to the podcast itself may become less frequent. But it isn’t for want of the joy of having read, you know, 120 books in the last couple of years to do the show. But what happens to me is, I, you know, I thought about this question, which you were gracious enough to share beforehand. I wish that I was that person who said, I wake up, I download everything that’s in my subconscious. before anything happens. I am so not that person, Julia, I feel like I am a woman, everyone else, you know, and then I get to a point where I’m like, am I my to do list? No, there’s more to life. So what happens is, invariably, I circle back. Now, bearing in mind, all throughout the day, I’m making notes in my notes app, because they can be transferred to a manuscript. So little snippets are coming to me, I have to stop the bike ride, I have to stop the car on the way to ending and, you know, I am not begrudging my life at all, I have a wonderfully rich and full life. And I think that some of that kinetics of even walking and doing and traveling and all of it, I think it contributes somehow, because stasis is hard to make your mind work in, right, you know, if you’re moving, some extra energy takes place. So I do keep my notes going, I don’t write first thing in the morning, I tend to, you know, take notes in the morning. But then I get started with my day I, I enjoy the other things I do with the podcast with the coaching. I love that work. I feel very much like it’s part of what I’m meant to be doing here on this planet. And now, you know, but then I do get to that point where, you know, the little voice is saying, Hey, wait, what about me, and it’s the manuscript. So I do come back to it. And the other thing that I find, so usually there’s some late afternoon time, I find, mercifully quiet in my house. And, you know, this would be the time when children were napping, there’s no children here right now. But, you know, it’s somehow a time when the burst of activity is now gone down to a simmer. And you know, the light changes, it gets a little more golden anyway, that’s when I write, I find if I can get an hour or two, I feel great accomplishment, I will have to focus more strongly if I really want to get this thing done. But this is how it is now in the organic way. And then the other thing that happens is if I’ve left too much, put off too much procrastinated, I will wake up in the middle of the night, which isn’t the middle of the night. I”ve since come to realize it’s always close to four 4:30 in the morning, which is coincidentally, when I was born, it’s the time of my birth, which is what I found on that birth certificate. But invariably, it’s the weirdest thing that is the time when I wake up. And then I take out my physical notebook, and I write in it again, and some of those thoughts are pretty crystallin. But I look back at them in the morning. Sometimes I think what or sometimes I think, yeah, okay. There’s a nugget, you know, and I pull that out, and I try to put it in the assemblage. It’s not easy. And I don’t know any woman really, who doesn’t have many plates in the air. I feel like I’m with my tribe in this, where we snatched the time where we carve out the time. I think it’s all very creative in and of itself.

Julia 29:46

I think you would be a fascinating woman to have as a writing coach, Can you tell us a little bit more about your new venture as a coach for writers?

Diane 29:58

It’s started a while back. Because people have been, you know, online in their interviews for the last couple of years due to the pandemic. So my first clients, you know, started, you know, a while back now, hard to believe we’re coming up on our third year, okay. But that all came about, because in order to, as you well know, in order to speak on the air, you have to eliminate a lot of throat clearing that you would ordinarily put as background, you kind of have to come to the point. And that exercise of going into, you know, mid to low res, right, starting in the middle, or starting in the deep end, I like to say, start in the deep end, you can work your way back, at least you get the point across that one thing led to another, and I started being able to help people not just with speaking, but in order. But in terms of, of coming to grips with what they were really saying, in their written word, which began just a series of questions, right, is it you know, it’s a conversations begins a questioning period with the author. And so that it enables them to connect the dots for themselves. And that’s the process, I think. It’s taking your perceptions and saying to the writer, this is what I’m getting, is this right is this, you know, this is what, this is what I’m sensing from this, it’s never anything really tangible, because these are connections that are yet to be made. But when a writer makes them and starts to make them and starts, the synapses start firing, it is the most gratifying experience. And now I can’t put it down, I really enjoy it. I really enjoy looking at manuscripts at any stage. And maybe, yeah, maybe it’s about like just shifting where things begin. Because styles of writing change, now we’re in a much faster pace, I can hear my voice speeding up, much faster paced, you know, everything has to be quite quick, because the attention spans are getting that much shorter. And in addition to the fact that I lost out in a competition really hard, they even didn’t in the least expect to even place in it. But I placed in the top, you know, finalist of a competition for a short story that I wrote. And the judge, one of the judges was kind enough to come back to me with feedback, which is the most useful thing, here’s why it didn’t work. And I said, What is it and she said, You have to put the stakes in the first sentence, or the first paragraph. Because otherwise we don’t know what’s pulling us forward. And again, it’s like, it’s a lot like your initial question, you know, why wait to tell your story. Because I didn’t even really know what the stakes were, I didn’t even know what I could possibly attain. So I think there’s an equation there. You know, once you know what the stakes are for you, would I ever figure out who I was? Then you just put it out there. And I think that because I had to pull through so much material to figure this out for myself, maybe in some small way. You know, I’m gifted with the task of being able to help others do the same thing.

Julia 34:20

I can just imagine, you’re so intuitive. I think, you know, hearing your perspective has got to strengthen everyone’s writing. So I think that’s so important to share. Now one thing that our writers are always intimidated by is marketing. And even the big five or six or whatever they are now requires their authors to do most of their marketing themselves. Do you have anything to share that works successfully for you or something that did not that you would say don’t even try that?

Diane 34:59

I really think It’s beneficial to do interviews and honestly as many as you can, because you know, you’re such a simpatico outlet for adoptees to tell their story. There’s also, you know, different perspectives, there’s the perspective of an expat community or being an alien in your country or the question of home or where is home? Are you carrying that, within you? Is your identity a construct is, is it a psychological, there’s a lot of, you know, psychological aspects to our work. So I really think it’s interesting and beneficial to address as many, and to be as open as possible to as many outlets to speak about your work, you learn so much that way. And maybe, you know, it does help people to hear also about your story and to want to, to read it or hear it in audiobook themselves. But I also think it’s enormously validating. You know, when you say about, you know, working with people, it’s validating to hear somebody understand your story. So even if it’s conversationally, like we’re doing and just me hearing you appreciate, you know, where I’m coming from, it’s validating, it’s one more spin on the wheel that keeps all of this energy going around and around, to be able to keep creating, and I really would urge people, you know, you can say, I can’t do that, that’s a magazine on fishing? Well, you might be surprised, you know, or you just, maybe not the most apt example, but be open, speak to as many people as you can, of course, I’m biased in this. But, as far as anything that like, didn’t work. Since it’s hard to measure, I would say everything kind of inches, inches, the ball down the field. And I think that there are very few things in person events, obviously, are wonderful. I’ve enjoyed doing them, I did very few before, you know, we were kind of shut down. I just think that even if you as an author, start your own podcast, if you start talking about a subject that’s become near and dear to you, like I’ve seen authors grow in such directions, from writing their books, it’s almost like a springboard into something else. And they just keep talking about this subject, it’s become a passion realized made them unique, because they were over 50 and started dating again, or, you know, whatever unique quality they had. That becomes, you know, makes them completely appealing. I just believe in communicating. And I think that this communication that we’re opening up into this wider lens of more voices, is just so welcome in our world, and everyone has a worthwhile message.

Julia 38:44

Our authors over 50 are certainly a unique set. For those of us who have waited so long to write our first book, would you have any final piece of advice for authors over 50?

Diane 38:59

This morning, I am going to try to get through this, I probably won’t get through this. This morning, I received news that a friend of mine passed away.It was not unexpected. Do it now. Don’t wait until the time is right. Or you’re prepared or you think you have enough. Try it. Let intuition be your guide as to what you’re able to say and let somebody else pull you the rest of the way. Let someone else help you through the process. None of us is in a perfect state of preparation, but people can draw out of us or provide us with the skills or with that acumen that we lack and just fill in on balance. What we need? Yes, maybe we do need more of something. But the minute you start putting it out there, those guides you know will come it’s very bright it sounds very spiritual and metaphysical, doesn’t it? But it is really true. I just think put down any feelings of inhibitions, humiliation, not enoughness, the conditions are never right.

Julia 40:38

Amen, sister. Very valuable advice. I always feel such a connection with my fellow adoptees. So I’m just thrilled that you could be with us today, Diane, on Authors over 50. Thank you so much.

Diane 40:54

I like Amen sisters, to you, Julia and to all of them out there. Thank you.

Julia 41:02

Thank you for joining us today. Please look for Authors Over 50 every Thursday, when we will have conversations with accomplished debut novelists over the age of 50. Please subscribe and share with a friend and check out my own publication journey after 50 at WWW dot Julia daily that’s daily like daily newspaper.com. Until next time, keep reading and writing. And remember, it’s never too late to fulfill a dream in life’s sweetest third.